Divorce Often Starts Here: 14 Common Pitfalls to Avoid

Avoiding These Pitfalls Can Save Your Relationship

April 29, 2025 | Relationships
By Adam Gragg

For over 25 years as a family therapist, I’ve seen the same core issues that, left unaddressed, lead to divorce time and time again. You give your marriage the best chance of success if you proactively avoid these 14 pitfalls below.

1. Not Addressing Core Issues

Avoiding a problem doesn’t make it go away (e.g., feeling neglected, lack of intimacy, etc). Share how you feel! Say what you mean, but don’t say it meanly. Avoidance causes more anxiety, and addressing issues brings relief eventually.

2. Smothering Each Other

You both need close friendships outside of each other. Encourage each other to build strong bonds with other good people. Insecurity hurts relationships. You can work on your confidence!

3. No Goals & Vision

Intentionally create the future you want, or it won’t happen. The healthiest couples decide what they want their lives to be like in 5, 10, and 20 years. They create a vision together. They work towards goals together.

4. Avoiding Your Past

Don’t live in the past, but don’t live in denial of its impact on your current functioning. If you don’t work through your past, it will impact your relationship today. Learn to accept what’s happened, come to terms with it, and transform it into a way to help others.

5. Expecting Too Much From Each Other

Expectations need to be realistic. If you expect your spouse to work full time, fix everything that breaks, manage the finances, and cook every meal, you may be expecting too much. Ask yourself if your expectations of your spouse are realistic.

6. Staying Stuck in the Past

Only bring up the past when it directly relates to the conflict at hand. I’ve seen many relationships damaged because one spouse could not move past an already resolved issue. Choose to forgive and learn to intentionally let go. .

7. Not Setting Limits

Don’t be controlling and don’t compromise your core values. Standing up to each other is uncomfortable and necessary. Learn to tolerate the discomfort of conflict.

8. Undermining Each Other

There are a number of healthy approaches to parenting. Compromise and agree on a parenting strategy together. Discuss disagreements away from your children.

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9. Not Engaging Everyone

Resentments build when people are left out of the discussions and decisions. Resentments build when both sides of the family aren’t given attention. Making the effort is key.

10. Threatening Comments

Hanging out the threat of potential divorce is a recipe for disaster. Threatening to terminate a relationship. This leads to a lack of hope for helping relationships improve and is a recipe for disaster.

11. Listening to Anxiety

Don’t make relationship decisions, or any decisions, out of fear. Anxiety tells us that bad things that happened in the past are going to repeat, and the worst outcome will become reality. Learn to replace anxiety with truth.

12. Not Standing Up

Don’t allow your family or friends to mistreat your spouse. Allow influence, but don’t be pressured or manipulated into doing things their way (e.g., money, spiritual beliefs, etc.). Make your own decisions as a couple.

13. Being Too Busy

Prioritize your marriage. Your kids, job, sports, church, and extended family are all important, but they should come second to your marriage. Protect your time together so divorce isn’t a temptation. Plan a date and discuss some of these 50 Relationship-Building Questions.

14. Poor Boundaries with Others

Emotional affairs can start through initially innocent relationships that meet unmet needs. Agree on acceptable boundaries (social media, work lunches, etc.), and follow them as this builds trust. This protects your marriage from the distrust that can lead to divorce.