I’m a middle child from a loud and emotionally expressive Italian family. Growing up, everyone expressed feelings – except me. I decided at a young age to hide my emotions and live inside my head. Not a strategy I would recommend.
Between 16 and 22, I coped with stress and emotion in unhealthy ways—using alcohol, nicotine, caffeine, worry, and isolation to numb myself. I often went to extremes, getting lost in whatever I was focused on, from fraternity life to religion to fitness. Some of these old patterns still tempt me today
But there’s hope! The healthier you become emotionally, the better your life gets. I know this from research and personal experience.
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The Damage of Stuffing Your Emotions
- You miss out on experiencing the full range of emotions—joy, excitement, and true connection.
- You end up feeling lonely, believing no one really understands what you’re going through.
- You get stuck in cycles of anxiety and depression.
- You lose touch with who you really are, making it harder to find direction in life.
- Others struggle to trust you because you come across as guarded or distant.
- Your relationships remain surface-level instead of growing in depth and authenticity.
- You become uncomfortable with other people’s emotions and, as a result, push them away.
“We cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions” – Brene Brown
4 Tools for Becoming Emotionally Healthy
Tool #1. Identify How You Feel
Twice each day, write what emotions you’ve experienced recently. Then answer 3 questions about each feeling.
1. What am I feeling? Write down the feeling, positive or negative.
2. Why am I feeling this way, or what happened that caused this feeling?
3. What am I learning about myself, from this emotion?
Example: “I feel sad, because I’ve been thinking about losing my mom, and I’m learning I need to talk to my friends and family more about this loss.”
Here are 40 Common Emotions & Their Definitions to help.
Tool #2. Communicate How You Feel
Express some of these feelings with friends, family, or co-workers. This can be done verbally or in writing (text, email, card, etc.). You can share your answers to the above questions. It might feel awkward at first, but if your motive is simply to be open and healthier emotionally, that will get you past the fear. Don’t let how you think other’s might respond to your openness, keep you from sharing.
One huge benefit to being emotionally open is that people will view you as safer because you’re no longer a mystery.
Being open emotionally improves your leadership capacity, as well. According to Daniel Goleman, the author of Emotional Intelligence, emotionally smart people have 5 traits that make them better leaders.
“Live in your head, you’re dead” – Tony Robbins
Tool #3. Increase Your Feelings Vocabulary
Identify feelings you notice in yourself and in others. Expand you emotional vocabulary by studying the definitions of different emotions. The feelings wheel below is a great resource.
Tool #4. Chart Your Emotional Experiences
For any given period of time, identify the frequency you’ve felt and expressed specific emotions. You may discover you rarely talk about certain feelings. Practice sharing (verbally and non-verbally) of those emotions you rarely express.
Increasing your emotion intelligent takes practice. Engage in one of the above exercises each day.
If you found this information helpful, SUBSCRIBE TODAY to access my free video & worksheet, Shatterproof Yourself: 7 Small Steps to a Giant Leap in Your Confidence.
Related Content
What to Do When Emotionally Overwhelmed (post) by Adam Gragg
Take Risks Frequently (post) by Adam Gragg
30 Happiness Building Actions (post) by Adam Gragg
Emotion Regulation DBT Skills (pdf)
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